BE ALL THERE

“Forever is composed of nows.”  ~Emily Dickinson

I recently overheard a conversation between a high school junior and his (ex?) girlfriend’s friend.  (FYI-  I was in a position where I could not help but hear no matter how hard I tried- and believe me, I tried.  This was not my idea of a relaxing afternoon.)  This conversation went on for the better part of 20 minutes.  The gist of it was the friend was communicating to the (ex?) boyfriend why the (ex?) girlfriend was so mad about something he had said or not said.  This poor 17 year old looked truly confused.  He literally had no idea that what he had done was a problem.  

Here is why:  he is 17.  There are grown men who are confused by these type situations.   These teenage guys forget to shower, much less remember to do all the perfect things that their Team Edward-obsessed girlfriends expect of them.  Ladies in high school: please remember who you are dealing with.  These guys still like to expel gases from their bodies and laugh about it.  These guys could sit on a couch for hours at a time, blowing things up with their video controller (some 30 year olds still do that).  These guys can literally grunt to one another to communicate.  They are teenagers!  They are simply not concerned with all these deep relationship issues! 

If you are looking for a relationship in high school, I am not going to simply say all high school relationships do not work.  BUT understand that you are getting just that: a high school-er.  Don’t get me wrong- high school-ers are awesome.  It’s one of the best times of your life.  You can do amazing things for Christ- in your school, community and friendships.  You have influence over culture that adults can only dream of.  But expecting your relationship to be “mature” and developed into what the world tells us it should be is not realistic. (Not to mention in every high school movie or TV show, the actors playing these roles are like 28 years old.)

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:11: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

I think if Paul had more room he would have included “when I was a teenager, I thought like a teenager…”  Note Paul was not saying this was a BAD thing.  When you are in a particular stage of life, BE ALL THERE.  Do not try to rush to the next one.   You will have plenty of time for complex relationship arguments and deep conversations on what your relationships should look like.  Take advantage of the time you have as a teen to become who God has for you so that when you get to the next stage of your life, you are prepared for it. (James 1:4- Let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.)

The Crying Game

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~Kurt Vonnegut

Bear with me- I am going to pick on the men just for a second. (But hang in there . . . I will get your back in a few sentences.)   Guys, how many of you like it when you are having an argument with your significant other and she begins to cry?  Yeah.  Not a lot.  It’s an age old tactic.  When we feel like we are being hurt or misunderstood, out of frustration or exhaustion, we turn on the water works.  

Then does it get your attention?  Exactly.  

Some men only really begin to listen when their girlfriend, fiancée, wife, etc  is brought to tears.  How did that work out for you?  Only then do you think . . . “Uh oh, I’ve really messed up.  Guess I should find out what I did before this gets any worse.”

Here’s the catch:  if you would have spent the effort listening and being engaged in the conversation the first time, you may have avoided the water works show- while you now sit there and force feed Kleenex.  If you were trying to avoid talking and getting involved before- guess what?  That just went out the window when the person you love most in the world is reduced to tears.

Now, women- your turn.  Do not use crying simply as a method to get their attention.  Do not misunderstand me- I truly believe crying is very healthy- but it is unhealthy when used as a tactic, as an attempt to grasp for control and sway a situation.  You wonder why men think we are so over-emotional! 

Try what Mr. Vonnegut suggests (though that will probably be the last time you ever hear me use that statement)- laugh at the ridiculousness of an argument.  Chances are it started over something small and escalated to epic proportion before your very eyes.

Up-front communication is key to any healthy relationship.  Arguments in relationships should not be used as a battle-ground, seeing if the one with the best strategy comes away a winner. 

In Galatians 5, verses 13-15, Paul says: It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? (The Message)    

Disagreements should be capitalized on as a way to learn about the other person and die to yourself and your own agenda a little more, as well as expressing openly when you feel you have been hurt or misunderstood.  As ironic as this sounds, ultimately, fair-fought arguments will bring you closer together.

Romans 8:28 says: We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Allow God to work good even into your arguments as He strengthens your relationship.  

First Rate Versions

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate
version of somebody else.  ~Judy Garland

I can remember when I was younger desperately wanting my scrawny legs
to disappear.  I was a soccer player and what kind of soccer player
with any talent had legs that could literally be snapped like a twig.
I wanted people to see me as menacing, big and bad- a player that was
defined by her strength and athleticism.  I would wear socks slouched
halfway up my calves because I was convinced it made them look more
muscular.  (PS- it didn’t)  I wanted people to take me seriously as an
athlete.   I was looking for my ability at soccer to define me, to
give me worth.

A recent study I read showed that the #1 thing teenagers are concern
about is how others see them.  Teenagers look for something or someone
to define them- they seek approval, they look for acceptance among
peers, they try to find something that makes them stand-out above the
rest.

Often times, this definition comes from relationships.  Teens want to
know more than anything that they are valued and look for someone to
tell them that or make them feel that.  If they can get that from a
boyfriend or girlfriend, they are willing to put up with a
majority-of-the-time crappy relationship in exchange for the
minority-of-the-time feeling they get from feeling valued.  The more
people desperately grab at a relationship to give them worth, the more
that relationship disappoints.

We all crave to be accepted.  There is One that loves without
exception.  He loves not with a minority-of-the-time or
majority-of-the-time love.  He loves with a constant love.  He offers
to define us, gently, because He is the one who created us.  He gave
us our definition before we were even born.

 In Jeremiah 1:5 it says:  “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you
were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

God knows you inside and out- the person He created and intricately
designed you to be.  Relationships were made to reflect who God made
you to be- not determine who you are.  Seek definition in Him today-
not in something someone offers you.  Instead of relationships giving
you the worth we all so deep-down desire, allow relationships to be
the thing in your life that celebrates that value!